rvlashn

I felt really bad about having my breakfast this morning. It was 250-300 cals at the max, I'm just tired of not following through with what I plan for myself. The last two days were supposed to be fasts. The second day only because the first didn't end up being a fast day. So now, here I am, after my breakfast wondering if I can do it. Yes, I can. Because I want to lose a ton of weight by christmas. No more 135 lbs. I want to look in the mirror and know that I've gotten JUST A BIT too thin. I want to know what that's like. I can't eat the rest of today. I need support :( I miss 130 lbs soooo bad. I feel so much more small with only five more pounds off of this body. 135 is too close to 140 for me. It makes me remember, and get very depressed...I MUST do this today.

It's been a VERY, VERY long time since I could say I had a fully planned and successful fasting day. I planned to have a breakfast, it was 300 cals, oats almonds and raisins, and fasted solid foods for the rest of the day. Holy. Fucking. Shit.....I still have it in me?!?! I want to throw a great big THANK YOU!!! to all of you supporting me and rooting me on here on LJ. You are all so amazing. Really couldn't have done it without you. For once, I'm giving myself a little credit that everyone is telling me I should be giving myself. Yay!!! I just might reach my goal by Christmas after all!!!

sarah outtie.

I don't deserve a thanksgiving dinner. Really, I don't. There's thousands upon thousands of starving, sick, cold children and families around the world that would cry tears of happiness to see a feast before them like we have here. I binge myself full of food that I don't come anywhere close to needing, and purge it into a sewer system down the drain never to be seen again. I'm really contemplating staying home and telling everyone I've gone somewhere else so I won't have to sit through a couple hours of being around a table of strangers that are family that will just watch or comment me on how little or what is on my plate...I know I'm not alone on this, tons of other girls must be posting things just like this, but man I sure do feel alone sitting here in my living room typing this out..I could be happy as a damn clam cranking some music up and cleaning my house like I've been so procrastinating for the last couple months. Put away piled up clothes, disinfect the bathroom. Shit like that. Useful, productive things. My boyfriend works, I have two different invitations, I could pull it off no problem. The boyfriend thinks I'll be miserable. I'LL BE FUCKING RELIEVED. But he doesn't understand that. I wish so very badly that he did...I hated hearing people talking about eating on TG just to gorge themselves and sleep it off...I can't live like that, let alone think like that. It makes me sick, yet I'm able to binge and purge and live with myself. It's a fucking beautiful life. On top of it all, I hate meat. I'm the only person in my family that doesn't eat meat. I'm also the very smallest person in my family. By a long shot. My father is pushing 300lbs. My mom is about the same. My two older brothers are at least 13 years older than me and quite overweight. I'm averaging around a healthy 135 lbs (vs the 180 I was) despite my fighting mia for the last few years. I just can't sit around a table with people and share the same eating experience. That's what the dinner table is for. A communion of food with people you want to share it with. I don't want food, and I don't want people to watch me being uncomfortable trying to pretend that I'm enjoying myself...or how scared I am of how much food I'll eat...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was really hard at work. I work in a very busy Thai restaurant, tonight was ESPECIALLY busy. Some fuckhead decided...I've never had a customer purposefully go out of their way to SCARE me...I have one arm full of dirty dishes, the other arm full of menus, he waits until I turn a corner and ROAR! His arms up in the air n shit JUST TO SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF ME. JUST SO HE CAN LAUGH. While I'm having orders yelled at me and tons of things to remember to bring back to tables and food and drinks are up and ready to be taken out, this FUCK decides it would be a cute little joke. I don't know this man, I've never seen him before in my life. I have never let my smile-mask slip in front of a customer until tonight. He saw the rage behind my silent face and I ran to the back to shut a little bathroom door behind me and cry a little. Two binge/purge nights in a row, massive depression issues, relationship issues, social issues...it all almost came tumbling down right there in front of that man. People don't realize the thing wearing skin that's serving their goddamn food have issues, feelings and problems, too...

If anyone has verizon, and you're having similar issues during this TG weekend, don't hesitate to hit me up. I'll text till my thumbs fall off.

Yesterday and today has been self inflicted hell. I just got so hungry out of nowhere, and now I'm regretting it. A lot. So I went to the store on my way homeand bought a bunch of fruit and protein shakes for tomorrow. I really, really want to stay close to 130 lbs and my eating habits aren't helping that at all. Now that I'm not miserable and I'm back together with my boyfriend, my appetite is back. That means no breakfast for me equals BIG hunger in the evening. My text buddy and I aren't so close and I really need motivation and help. I've been giving those things a lot, but now I'm in need. I don't want these hunger outbursts to rule my life again all the way back up to 140. My boyfriend likes my appearance more than ever before, its nothing shallow I've always just been heavier but I LOVE that he really likes my body. I want to keep it that way. So here's my new meal plan for tomorrow...lets pray I don't fuck this up again.

Breakfast.  Quakers cereal and almond milk 300 cals
Snack: Almonds 260 cals
Lunch.  Protein shake 300 cals
Dinner.  Mixed fruits 340 cals
1200 cals approximately. I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. I hope you're all doing better than me.

I worked SO hard at the gym day before yesterday, I'm not sure I'll be able to today. Eating light, and feeling sick...fuck.

Breakfast: Protein shake
Lunch: Haggens bar salad
Dinner: fruit and cheese plate

All of it equals out to about 1000 cals. I ate like this for a month to get to 133 lbs from 145. I think I can do it again to get close to 125 by October 31rst, my 2nd year anniversary with my boyfriend. I ate a lot of bread yesterday. I ate a lot of food period yesterday. So, today I'm gonna keep it under control. Shouldn't be too difficult since the glands and throat are quite a bit sore, I've got a bit of a cough going as well. It started last night...ugh It's getting colder in the morning and nights here in northwestern washington. My wrist doesn't like that at all. It gets all tense and sore from the cold. I havent been able to post regularly because the home computer is in the shop getting devirused and my phone is on the fritz. So I have this little netbook that sits at home that a friend left here. He's such a sweetie. I tried to count the calories I ate yesterday but it was just depressing. So I'm focusing on today and feeling and being well. I know that when I ate light I felt great. About myself, about the day, about the things I wear, I feel like I own my body instead of owning it as a stupid shell, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to steer far away from bulimia and stick with this healthy path that I've found over the last couple months. The strange thing is, I wasn't terribly hungry during that month that I lived on a diet of johnny carinos shrimp pomegranate salads, iced chai teas and fruit/cheese plates with red wine at night. I'm guessing that it's because of the stress. My boyfriend and I broke up for a month. We lost the same amount of weight in that month. I guess it was that detrimental to us. I know I was miserable during that time, he was too from the emails and texts and then finally the phone calls...but that's a different story. I was SO DAMN THICK this last winter, I never want to be 150 lbs ever again. I wish I could just sit here and type more to update but I must finish smoking this bowl and get ready for work. Here's to being and feeling well everyone (anyone who actually reads this still?) Cheers!

Sarah

So, I`ve managed to hold onto 135 lbs. I dropped from 143 to 133 in about a month due to stress and my boyfriend and I breaking up. Now that we're back together he's trying to work out and look good for me. What he doesn't know is, he already looks really good. No obvious body fat on that man. Me on the other hand, I`m female and store more fat naturally. I want to be around 125 lbs by november, which is when I`ll have a two week vacation in hawaii on the island of kauai. I am really looking forward to this but I think I would look forward to it more if I wasn't so body conscious especially in places people show a lot of skin. I live in north western Washington. Not a lot of that around here usually. So, I got to thinking about what I was eating when I lost that weight unknowingly (Seriously, I moved for a month and was constantly sad and lost quite a bit.) and made a meal plan for myself today. I have been eating quite a bit more since I moved back in and I would really like to see me at my all time dream weight for my vacation. So here is my meal plan. Breakfast: iced/hot soy chai tea Lunch: haggens vegetable salad Dinner: fruit/cheese/cracker tray. Wish me luck darlings. I think I`m going to need it.

Food 2pts   Just over 1,000 cals.
Exercise 2pts 50min cardio, 600 cals burned.
Water: 1 pt. 1 1/2 liters drank.
Challenge: 2 pts. I decided to have a cookie, and instead of my usual lemon crisp I got a fattening peanut butter cookie...but it was good...that's gotta count for somethin.
Post: 2 pts.

9pts total for yesterday. yay me.

Hopefully I'll type out everything I've eaten thus far so I won't eat anymore. For some reason posting helps with that.

protein bar 200cals
flax almond bar 140
sourdough toast w/ butter (ahhh feck..butter) 400 cals
2 eggs 200 cals
1/2 oatmeal raisin cookie 300cals (this was a big feckin' cookie!)
1240 cals total. My daily limit is 1500 - I don't know why, maybe because 1,000 seems so impossible to me most of the time. I went out to breakfast with my boyfriend, that set me back on time cause I have to wash my clothes at the laundry matt if I want clean clothes to work and exercise in, I don't think I'll have enough time to work out before 5pm pacific western time. Ugh. Breakfast this morning with Sean was nice though. I hope I'll have time for the gym after work before I take sean to work....crapworkworkworkwork!!!!!!!!! Slaving to society is awesome. - mr. durden's narrative voice chimes in my thoughts - ''I, am bobs abdula ablongata.'' (fuck spelling.)

She's 5'4" and 100lbs. Her measurements are 32-23-33. Her name is Kira Beth, she's a local model from Oregon. I just had to share these pics, they're amazing thinspo to me.



http://community.livejournal.com/_thinspire/1714741.html#cutid1

I tried to move the photos into view to post them here and they get all blurry when I try to size them up like they are there, just copy and paste the link. She's awesome.

That's what I thought as I pulled the beautiful, large blue scarf tighter around me and I cried. She made this scarf. I can almost feel her arms in it. It came out of nowhere, really. I was calm and collective after I flushed the toilette of my purged emotions in the physical form of what the general populace calls food. I can't remember ever feeling so incredibly vulnerable, other than right after finishing from purging and cleaning myself up. I remember in a sudden flood of thoughts what an undeserving piece of shit I am. How incredibly pathetic my attempts of being more like a model are. I'm a fucking joke. Even the blinking cursor laughs at me. *blink...blink...who...are you...fooling....blink" I spent the day with my mentally ill mother. By mentally ill I mean every other phrase is "Are you mad at me?" or "Are you okay?" Borderline personality disorder crossed with manic and bipolar tendancies. A fucking fruit basket of genes. No, I'm not as crazy as she is. But I've got my issues, obviously. I helped her move to another apartment. I don't even want to talk about it, but I'm going to. I can't keep bottling shit up. Every time I see her I remember living with her, and the hell it was, and how the state took me away, and the guardians, and the paperwork, and the court sessions, jail, prescriptions, psychicatrists, therapists, school and how I failed repeatedly, cutting for years, thinking I was alone for so long, and the depression. Fuck....the depression. And now, here I am. 23 years old. Still conforming to the puke my food up to make me feel better and purge it all down the drain - emotions included - just to feel even worse after. How fucking fickle do you have to be to forget EVERY time that this just rips me apart, physically and mentally. Anyways, I did have a while where we just sat and smoked a bowl together and it really felt like a mother daughter relationship. We didn't have that while I grew up, not when she got really bad in the head toward my highschool years. I feel like such a failure....no college, barely graduated highschool on time, I can't memorize the damn work menu, I keep binging and PURGING like the fucking stupid bitch I am...it's not a regular thing, but it's becoming more common like it did last year, and that scares me a lot. I even told my boyfriend I was getting scared and was thinking about checking out a group or something...I don't know. I still can't sleep through the night, I'll usually wake up about 3x a night. And the thought that's freaking me out the very most right now is the food that's still in me that I couldn't purge. Im even a failure at that. Now that I've hurled all my negative thoughts out there for everybody to see...I have to go pick up the boyfriend from work... I genuinely hope very much so that you're all doing better than me...

I wanted to try to go without absolutely anything for one day, and I go to my mothers house and she shoves pastries and dolmas and crackers and dip in my face...today is a failure. And my figure shows it. I shouldn't have tried a water fast. That was stupid. I practically lined myself up for this. No breakfast? With my body? Yeah fucking right.

FUCKING FAIL.

Or so the book I'm reading says. Today wasn't so incredibly hot, I actually walked out of my apartment today with my zippie sweater on. It really felt like Washington again today. I'm trying with all I've got to STAY HOME and NOT go out to get b/p food...fuck my life.

The scale reads 140lbs even. 10lbs off now please...

I'm eating in ways that make me comfortable, not keeping to a scheduled eating plan every couple hours that just makes me feel too full. My relationship is going to hell, we haven't really spoken this last week. One fucking cycle after another. CRAP I'm HUNGRY. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did well at the gym, I took a caffeine pill about 10-15 mins before I started. That usually will give me an amazing workout, I'll run for an extra 20 mins on a good day on a caffeine pill at the gym, but my heart was pounding so hard, and my heart rate monitor read 178 one time when I looked down at it strapped to my arm while running, I was shocked as hell to see those numbers so I stopped immediately to get my heart rate DOWN. It's never read that high. 170 is pretty extreme, it will read that after I've been running for 10 minutes usually. It will read 160 as a good upbeat heart pace after 10-15 mins of cardio after warming up. Maybe my body is responding to all the stress, it's like "I FUCKING HATE YOU SARAH, chill the fuck out and stop treating me like shit!!!"

I didn't exactly keep track of my cals, I don't exactly know how many are in the 6" sub I ate for lunch, but I could only finish half of it before my workout, and I ate the other half after - GREAT idea, totally killed my post cardio craving - This was also a nice suprise for me, usually I can wolf down a 6" oats and honey bread with turkey and american cheese, mayo lettuce pickles olives salt pepper and pepperchinis no problem. But only half in one sitting? Fuck yes for the small pleasure of the week. Brilliant. My cat is climbing all over me, the baby needs attention for the night.


That's my little boy cat Ayden, I'm on the floor here against the couch, and he decided to come play pose for the camera and mom game. I love that my cat loves me SO much no matter what I do on a daily basis. I come home, he's waiting for me with his sister at the door to greet me no matter the bullshit Sean and I are going through. They love me reguardless, and miss me when I'm gone. I love Ayden SO much. He's the most loveable cat I've ever had.

and thank GAWD for that, anything else to carry on this shell of a body in this heat and I would die. I'm sitting in my car with the air conditioning on full bast in front of the laundry matt begging the clothes to wash faster. The first time I hopped on the scale this morning, it said 139. The second and third time it said 141. That tells me I'm doing better than I have in the last 2 weeks. I did a controlled 200-300cal meal 5x a day diet for a while but that's eating way too much too often for me, eating food that often reminds me too much of binging because that's all I used to do, binge to all hell and purge for an easy out. I relapsed because of it, and that scared me so bad that I decided to go back to where I felt like me the most, where I felt comfortable and found the most success, far faaar away from binge land. Alternate day juice fasting. Sometimes if I'm feeling weak like I REALLY need proteins and fibers that day I'll hold the fast off till the next day. Totally works out great as long as I listen to my body. I haven't slept ate at all (please see previous journal posts for an explanation on that) the last couple nights which is AWESOME. I want to be 129 lbs by Halloween so I'll be nice and small for my 2nd year anniversary with Sean. I feel more lean today, I've really been having a terrible time with work, my mental health and sean, feeling skinny even for a little while is the biggest relief. My size 5 jeans fit comfortably today, I can't wait to feel them becoming loose around my hips. It's so hot....northwestern washington just doesn't get this humid. It didn't drop below 70 degrees for 3 days. It usually cools way off at night, 3 days is a historical record lol. I would post some thinspo, but I can't do that from my phone here. I hope you're all doing wonderfully :-) Drink lots of fluids in this heat guys, it helps me forget about food quite a bit easier if I just drink refreshingly cool water in hot humidity like this. Peace, love, think thin beautifuls.

I'm back down to 141lbs from 146lbs....my lowest weight is 139, let's see how far I can go this time.

I'm pms'ing but still able to keep my scheduled diet in order. I just had to get away from all the noises of today's waking life, so I stayed in bed a couple hours. Rested my head. I come downstairs and he's so distant. Even after I explain whatsup with me. the fuck.

I feel so fat...

:-(

It's difficult to be patient to lose weight when you're so unhappy...

I haven't been keeping up with my mod responcibilities, I haven't memorized the restaraunt menu, I haven't really kept up with cleaning my house OR alternate day fasting, but I'm trying to get back in the swing of my diet. Yesterday I ate normally, the day before that I late fresh rolls, a 200 cal protein bar when I woke up a LOT of water and fruit. Easing myself back into it is the idea I guess. I drove halfway across washington state yesterday with my boyfriend to this great hiking spot. My legs are a little sore, but I'm back up to 145lbs again so I really REALLY need to stick to my diet and gym time. I've had the little protein bar that I allow myself every morning already and a banana to prepare for my workout that's about to start. I usually have great skin and I've been breaking out terribly. wtf am I DOING to myself man. I'm eating shiite, that's what. Damn this is hard. *Big Sigh* Okay. No beef, no chicken, no fatfatfat crap food. Nothing breaded, no fecking sauce or dressing. No dairy. Raw. Fruit. Juice. I can do this today. Soy products and seafood tomorrow. I did it so well a few weeks ago, the pounds just slipped off and my boyfriend eyed me in my swimsuit like I haven't caught him looking at me in a while. I want that more. 30 mins stairmaster, 30 mins jogging is my new little favorite routine. It's working out pretty well, works an stretches my legs and bum really well. I hope the 500-600 cal workout won't be too much for my wuss body while I'm juice fasting today. I think I'll be ok if I get a protein odwalla drink and a banana right after I'm done. That seems to keep me from feeling crazy weak whenever I attempt a big workout then have to go to work lol. I've been trying for 130lbs for so long, god that would just be too dreamy. I don't think I could keep myself together long enough to get there. My mind is constantly all over the place making it hard for me to finish plans and projects, and, well, everything. The only time I feel like I have a good, constant pace of healthy breath and clarity of mind is when I'm working out. I think that's the biggest reason I work hard to make sure I can keep my gym membership and pay everything else. I seriously need to cut my hair, it's really long now. I feel like a dirty zit faced hippie lol. Well, here's to trying in a new day. Have a wonderful day lovelies.


adah out.